Incredible Authors I Love

& Some Ridiculously Fun Moments!

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“Dear Mack,

 I had an excellent day at school. The woman called Ms. Chapman asked me if I was still devouring books. She smiled, so I knew this was a good thing. I said that I was. I devoured one for her and she stopped smiling.

 

Then I met the man called Assistant Principal Furman, who asked me what my major malfunction was. I explained to him that I cannot malfunction because I am a supernatural creature made of mud. He told me to go away.

 

Your friend,

 Gollum”

- page 198,

Secrets of the Dragon Sanctuary by Brandon Mull
Book 4 in the Fabelhaven Series

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5000 year old djinni, Bartimaeus:

“One magician demanded I show him an image of the love of his life, I rustled

up a mirror."

 

 

 

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Bast, the Cat Goddess:

“Bast had become my guardian.

Now, she was also Carter and my chaperone, travel companion, and sometime personal chef (Hint: If she offers you the Friskies du jour say no).”

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Hiccup’s Grandpa, Old Wrinkly, on the Viking view of the Vegetable-That-No-One-Dares-Name:

“The antidote to the sting of the Venomous Vorpent is the Vegetable-That-No-One-Dares-Name." said Old Wrinkly.

“But the POTATO is an imaginary vegetable!” said Hiccup, who thought all this talk of bad luck was just superstition. “It doesn't really exist.”

“There are those that say the Vegetable-That-No-One-Dares-Name can be found in a great country to the west known as America . . .” Old Wrinkly pointed out.

“But most people say," said Hiccup, slowly, "that there's no such place as America. Most people say that it's an imaginary land that only crackpot weirdos believe in. Most people think that the earth is as flat as a pancake, and if you sail too far to the west you will fall off at the end of it.”

“That is what most people say,” admitted Old Wrinkly, shrugging his shoulders.

Hiccup’s Dad, Stoick the Vast, on the Viking view of Reading & Writing:

     “BOOKS! My heir writing BOOKS??” fumed Stoick the Vast.  “You are supposed to be a Viking, Hiccup. The HORRENDOUS HADDOCKS  DO NOT WRITE BOOKS! You're terrifying Hooligan ancestors would be turning in their graves! WHAT do Horrendous Haddock's not do, Hiccup?”

     Hiccup hung his head.

     “Horrendous Haddocks do not write books,” muttered Hiccup, looking at the floor.

     “Horrendous Haddocks do not even READ books,” added Stoick. Books are banned. Completely. . .Your last report was a disgrace,” stormed Stoick, the Vast.

“YOU SHOULD BE PAYING MORE ATTENTION TO YOUR SENSELESS VIOLENCE! YOUR SHEEP RUSTLING!  NOT DRIFTING AROUND, SCRIBBLING AWAY IN BOOKS!!”

-page 33 

A Hero’s Guide to Deadly Dragons by Cressida Cowell

Book 6 How to Train Your Dragon series

Lily meets her famous friend Katie's writing team:

   "Miss. Mulligan?" one [writer] said. "We'd like to find out a few details to use in the upcoming book."

     "Hi," Katie said. "We're kind of in the middle of a conversation right now."

     "We'd like to get started writing," said the writer. "Could you just fill us in on a few details?"

     "Miss. Mulligan, how did you fight off the whale?"

     "Miss. Mulligan, why are whales out to get you?"

     "Miss. Mulligan, when you crept up the stairs, was it timidly or intrepidly?"

     The writers waited. One had his laptop computer open and turned on. His fingers quivered over the keys.

     "It wasn't me who figured out how to chase off the whale," said Katie. "It was my friend Lily."

     The writers looked from one girl to the other.

     "Okay," said one. "That's fine. A little bit confusing for the reader, because you're the hero. So for the purposes of this series, we'd like to make it be you. And Lily helped. But was carried away by the whales to their secret underwater hideout." . . .

     "And the whales are in cahoots with the killer bees coming up from Mexico," said the third writer. Because of the Aztec curse." . . .

     "But this whole thing started with Lily!" said Katie. "Tell them, Lily!"

     But Lily just looked uneasy and shy. . .

     One of the writers explained to Katie, "Your friend Lily doesn't have that pizzazz that you do. The presence." . . . The man continued, "She doesn't have that special oomph. She doesn't have that glossy girl-glamour that's important for our readers. For example, when a writer, a good writer, wants to write a description of his main character, he wants to be able to say something like,

‘She looked in the mirror at her pretty brunette hair and her thin 5'1" frame.’ 

Not ‘She looked in the mirror at her squat 5'1" frame, at her flat brown hair that completely covered her eyes, except when she blew on it diagonally.’”

     "Tell you what," said one of the other writers. "We could maybe work in your friend Lily if she could be a comic sidekick. You can have a squat, flat-haired comic sidekick." He asked Lily, "Can you tell jokes?" . . .

     "That's insulting," said a third writer angrily. "I can't believe he even said that. I apologize. Here's a better idea: How about we have Lily have some kind of makeover part way through the book. Like, after everyone thinks that she's just quiet and her hair is always over her eyes, somehow, her hair gets pulled back -- and suddenly she's really sexy, and everyone's like, ‘whoa Lily! When you completely change your look, you're beautiful!’”

     "Gotcha!" exclaimed one of the writers.

     "There's the ticket!" cried another.

-page 94-98  Whales on Stilts! by M.T. Anderson

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Halt, the King’s Ranger (a sort of medieval spy) begrudgingly allows his temporary ally Erak, the Scandian Sea Pirate, along on a mission:

Halt glanced over his shoulder as Abelard set his hooves securely against the steep slope. Behind him, Erak was swaying insecurely on the back of the pony.  . .

     “I thought you said you could ride,” he challenged as Erak grabbed nervously at his mount’s, shaggy mane, holding himself in the saddle more by brute strength than any inherent sense of balance.

     "I did," Erak replied through gritted teeth. "I just didn't say I could ride well."

. . . .

     "Wait here," Halt said briefly. "I'm going down for a closer look."

     Erak told him. "I'm coming with you."

     Halt looked at the big Skandian, knowing it would be useless to argue. Still, he made the attempt. "I suppose it will make no difference if I point out I'm going to have to be as inconspicuous as possible?"

     Erak shook his head. "Not in the slightest. I'm not taking back a secondhand report. I want to get a closer look at these people, get some idea of what we're up against."

     “I can tell you what we're up against," Halt said grimly.

     "I'll see for myself," Erak said stubbornly, and Halt shrugged, finally giving in.

     "All right. But move carefully, and try not to make too much noise. The Temujai aren’t idiots, you know. They'll have pickets out in the trees around the camp, as well as senturies on the perimeter."

     "Well, you just tell me where they are and I’ll avoid them," Erak replied, with a little heat. "I can be a conspicuous when I need to."

     "Just like you can ride, I suppose," Halt muttered to himself.

     The Skandian ignored the comment, continuing to glare stubbornly at him.

Halt shrugged. "Well, let's get on with it."

     They tethered their horses on the reverse side of the crest, then began to work their way down through the trees to the valley below them. They had gone a few hundred meters when Halt turned to the Skandian.

     "Are there bears in these mountains?" he asked.

     His companion nodded. "Of course. But it's a bit early in the year for them to be moving around. Why?"

     Halt let out a long breath. "Just a vague hope, really. There is a chance that when the Temujai hear you crashing around in the trees, they might think you're a bear."

     Erik smiled, with his mouth only. His eyes were as cold as the snow.

     “You're a very amusing fellow,” he told Halt. "I'd like to brain you with my ax one of these days."

     "If you could manage to do it quietly, I'd almost welcome it," Halt said.

-page 88-92  The battle for Skandia by John Flanagan

                                                                                            Book 4 in the Rangers Apprentice series

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In the final big battle, the centaurs arrive to save the day:

Then, to our left, a hundred monsters cried out at once. Kronos’s entire army surged forward. I thought we were doomed.

     A new blast of horns shattered night. The air shimmered. In a blur of movement, an entire cavalry appeared as if dropping out of light speed.

     "Yeah, baby!" A voice wailed. "PARTY!"

     A shower of arrows arced over our heads and slammed into the enemy, vaporizing hundreds of demons. . . .

     "Centaurs!" Anna Beth yelled.

     The Party Pony army exploded into our midst in a riot of colors: tie-dyed shirts, rainbow Afro wigs, oversized sunglasses, and war-painted faces. . .

     Hundreds of them filled the entire block. My brain couldn't process everything I saw, but I knew if I were the enemy, I'd be running.

     "Percy!" Chiron shouted across the sea of wild centaurs. He was dressed in armor from the waist up, his bow in his hand, and he was grinning in satisfaction. "Sorry we're late!"

     "Dude!" Another centaur yelled. "Talk later. WASTE MONSTERS NOW!"

     He locked and loaded a double-barrel paint gun and blasted an enemy hellhound bright pink. The paint must've been mixed with Celestial bronze dust or something, because as soon as it splattered the hellhound, the monster yelped and dissolved into a pink-and-black puddle.

     "PARTY PONIES!" a centaur yelled. "South Florida!"

     Somewhere across the battlefield, a twangy voice yelled back, "Heart of Texas Chapter!"

     "Hawaii owns your faces!" a third one shouted.

     It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. The entire Titan army turned and fled, pushed back by a flood of paintballs, arrows, swords, and NERF baseball bats. The centaurs trampled everything in their path.

     "Stop running, you fools!" Kronos yelled. "Stand and ACKK!”

     The last part was because a panicked Hyperborean giant stumbled backward and sat on top of him. The lord of time disappeared under a giant blue butt.

-pages 259 -260 The Last Olympian by Rick Riordan

Book 5 Percy Jackson and the Olympians series

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